I run away when faced with things I don't want to understand. I literally run away, taking my shoes off and dashing down a street to cry somewhere where people can't see me. I have done all my life. I am determined, however, that tonight will be the last time I literally run away because it never solves any problems and always causes me more.



I get angry at silly things and when I'm tired and/or stressed my anger gets out of control and I do things that hurt other people. I also do things that hurt myself. Neither of these are good situations and I don't want to be this person anymore. I was telling Adam last night in an email how much I need to learn patience and I think possibly self-control needs to be added to that too.



I am passionate and intense and while this can be a huge positive in the areas I want to work in, it's been hugely draining for the other person in many past relationships. I don't know how to deal with this.



I expect a lot from certain people and am easily upset when they're not there for me. This makes me a nightmare friend sometimes. For other friends I am scared of letting them in because they have so much else to deal with - it feels like my problems will only weigh them down.



I like to think I'm strong and mature but often I feel the complete opposite.



I try very hard to be perfect and fail miserably all the time and seem to take this failure far too personally. If I was meant to be perfect, I wouldn't be going through the mess of being human, right God?



I let people take advantage of me because I'd rather do that than compromise friendships and this makes me a bit bitter sometimes. I need to be a little more careful and almost selfish sometimes.



I guess this list could go on but I wanted to write what I was thinking so I'd have marker in the sand for this . . . and maybe one day someone will look at it and realise they're not the only one who screws up and occasionally feels like they fail at life.



Tomorrow I go to Paris for the beginning of my second summer holiday but these are the thoughts that are clouding my mind. I wish I had all the answers for being happy, and strong, and slow to anger, and everything else, but I guess it's the learning these things through a slow, and rather painful, process that makes us the people we are.

Many people now live in a world where a lot of their social connections take place online. With the advent in Facebook, the web is now a hub for our real social lives. Most people appreciate the tools that platforms such as Facebook & MySpace provide to facilitate a richer life in the real world.

I personally use Facebook daily, for various reasons. From a simple status update to inform friends of something on my mind to writing on a contact's wall or sending personal messages rather than using email. If I travel I will most often post photos I take to Facebook and it's a great way to remember when people's birthdays are coming up (TakingITGlobal also does this!). The longer you use a website like Facebook, the more intertwined our personal lives get with this online social universe.

Tonight I was reading a tech blog only to realise when I came to the latest post that the author had actually died. This struck me somewhat and planted a thought in my head: What happens to our online identity when we die? Face it, we're all heading to the same destination (death), regardless of what you believe happens afterwards. When death strikes a regular Facebook (or other social networking site) user, how will our contacts know and what should happen to everything we have published online?

I guess to an extent, the answers to these questions are individual to each of us. Perhaps there should be a mechanism for close (and nominated) relatives/friends to inform all of the websites of which the deceased was a member. Or perhaps it's up to us to 'leave the keys' to all of our online spaces to a designated person for he/she to inform should we pass away.

This is something which will evolve with the development of the way we use the internet in our personal lives. For now though, maybe I should stop being so morbid...

Today it feels like I've hit a brick wall. I could attribute it to a lack of enough caffeine, but I've had 300mg so far which is enough to get my going. But it's just not happening today. This effects many things, not least work, which is important.

Time to find some (legal & healthy of course) stimulants...

Watching the Daily Show today I couldn't help but feel that Jon Stewart was being too tough on Barack Obama. Now I know that journalists sometimes try to be balanced, but I really think Jon is making a mistake for lambasting Obama in this way. Some say that the media has been helping Obama's campaign since somewhere around the first Democratic primary that he won, although I don't share in this opinion. I think he got as much trouble from the media as he got praise, and generally the Clinton camp had similar treatment.

Now! Isn't it just hypocritical to start tearing the candidate apart now, just because he's the official Democratic choice for president? Perhaps it's a problem with the media psyche; you build someone up and then you knock them down (if indeed the theory that he had special treatment is true).

Either way I think journalists like Jon Stewart, who have been staunchly anti-Bush should be careful - if they start to make the cracks in Obama's campaign seem wide it may hurt the Democrats when it comes to the general election. And then the US, and the world, will be stuck with another Republican president whose views are sometimes similar to the incumbent.

I'm following the Guardian blog on the situation in Zimbabwe and thought it might be a good idea to post a link to it for anyone else interested - of particular note:

"While we wait for top table international action to grind into action, what practical steps can be taken? A British MP says this: customers of Halifax Bank of Scotland (HBOS) and the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) should threaten to withdraw their business since HBOS and RBS are also clients of the German-based firm Giesecke and Devrient... which prints money for Mugabe."

There's also a really interesting article from the New York Times on some of the activist killings.

"In Chaona, a village in Mashonaland Central Province, a man named Fredrick said he was among 10 suspected opposition supporters tortured for five hours under a tree. One man was caught while trying to escape. “They tied his genitals with an elastic band and beat him until he passed out and died,” said Fredrick, who asked that his last name not be used in order to protect himself. He said a second man was killed after his tormentors dripped bubbles of burning plastic on his naked body."

[Edited at 12:30pm] New link - http://www.sokwanele.com/thisiszimbabwe/

If you're someone who prays - then keep Zimbabwe, its opposition party supporters and governance in your prayers.

So a few people seem to be wondering what exactly it is I do for the Church of England - other than conference organising and other stuff. The subject matter I deal with has just come up in The Sunday Telegraph and I thought I'd share it with you so you get an idea of the crazy things (or not-so-crazy things) I do -

Britain will lose up to a fifth of its churches in the space of a generation unless action is taken to halt the decline, according to new research.

I'm in a bad mood. It's been a long and awful week and now everything points to a new London Mayor by the name of Boris. Grrrrr . . .



There is now almost 100,000 votes between Ken and Boris and almost all my hopes are gone. I had to think a bit about my vote for this election because Boris seemed like a good guy with some actual charisma and he rides a bike, which proves some level of insanity. But that's why I'm not so happy with him - I think he might be all spark and no actual usefulness and when it comes down to it the leftie roots in me trust Ken more than I trust Boris to deliver on the social things that this city so desperately needs.



I guess, in the end, I won't actually leave the country because of any new Mayor, desite his political hue but today has made me rather disappointed in the British public - who are all these people that vote BNP and why do they do it?



End of rant . . .

More about this later when I get home but I'm outraged at the continuing insanity in Fiji. The latest being the shutdown of freedom of speech.

"Over the past year some media reporting have left much to be desired and some reports have been careless, irresponsible and some in fact have been inciteful and destabilizing, posing a threat to national security and stability," Bainimarama said.

They were intent on "sowing discontent and discord in name of media freedom". He demanded that media abide by a code of ethics and stop their "confrontational and negative" reporting.

The website of the top circulation daily, The Fiji Times, reports police and immigration officials have taken their publisher, Australian citizen Evan Hannah, from his home in the Suva suburb of Tamavua.

This is our backyard and it's falling apart. I'll explain more later and discuss some of the other problems but this just makes me outraged that the whole thing is continuing.

The first ever scheduled caste Chief Justice of the Supreme Court has done justice to his duty. Despite the caste and political emotions running high and strangulating his judicial work, Justice. K.G. Balkrishnan has safeguarded the supremacy of the guardian of the Indian constitution. In the 27 percent reservation for the Other Backward Classes (OBCs) in the central universities case, the bench has pronounced a very objective verdict. It is true that the caste factor is still operational in most parts of the country. It is also true that some of the Indian population has benefited from the reservation in the past 60 years. Those who got enough economic means and cultural capital using the backward caste card are considered as the creamy layer. Taking note of these trivial troubles, the bench has given the green signal to the quotas with certain conditions. One, the creamy layer should be excluded from the quotas. Two, the government should reexamine the backward classes list with better scientific methods. Three, the quota cannot be given to the graduates from the backward sections. Four, the reservation cannot go on for ever. Five, steps should be taken to empower the backward sections within an agreed time frame. Any sane person will consider this judgment as the landmark one.
Through ample education, political empowerment and employment opportunities certain OBCs have moved up in the social ladder. This kind of people cannot be called as “backward” and provided reservation in the government concessions. Unfortunately this is what the rich and mighty from the so called backward castes are claiming for. The political parties are singing the caste tunes to garner votes. This drama is going on from the first Independence Day in 1947. In the move to create an egalitarian society which is enshrined the constitution there is no symptom of reducing the caste discriminations. Instead of taking steps to dilute and eliminate caste, the governments have successfully perpetuated this social evil. After the dusted off and stage-managed Mandal commission report presentation by the V.P Singh, the caste crime has increased. One can verify this trend from the growth of caste based political parties after 1990s. Although most of these parties got rejected by the public and most importantly by their own caste people, these parties pose a grave blockade to the extinction of caste.
One can gather the knee-jerk reactions of the political parties. The Government’s quota raja, Arjun Singh directs all the central universities to implement the verdict from this academic session. With only two months in hand, it is impossible for the central institutions to double up the infrastructure and accommodate 27 percent more students. To add salt to the wound, the University Grants Commission has informed that it has only Rs. 565 crores to be distributed among the nineteen institutions. With less than Rs. 20 crores how can a central institution implement 27 percent increase in the intake of students? For instance, Jawaharlal Nehru University Vice Chancellor, Prof. B. B Bhattacharya demands Rs. 250 crores to fulfill the OBC quota verdict. However the UGC says not more than Rs.15 crores. Who and what will suffer can be left to the guesses of the thinking human being.

Some cartoon characters who are masquerading as public representatives and policy makers cross all the limits and demand the OBC quota in the private sector. If the aim is to empower the backward sections and push them forward then the blank quota recommendation is of less use. An economic empowerment and education support from the basic school level is the best possible means to achieve the wider national goal of social equality.
As almost all political parties are in the same boat with the caste vote bank as the destination only the judiciary can save the country. In this sense, the quota verdict breaks the political hurdle and sets a new ray of hope for the people.

I have today off work. I am going to Sir Ed's remembrance service at Windsor Castle (I have a pretty invitation from Buckingham Palace) to hang out with loads of other Kiwis (they've invited like 400 of us I hear) and remember a pretty cool and inspiring guy. I'm pretty stoked at the opportunity.



Off to tidy room now. Grand.

I had this thought on Sunday - why is it that we get so disheartened by rejection (by people, jobs etc.) and yet often completely forget about (or wilfully ignore) the one and only thing that has never and will never reject us - God. Not only does He never reject us but welcomes us with open arms whenever we come to Him in a way that no other person ever will - unconditional love despite all we've done, despite the many times I've screwed up I'm still loved unconditionally by God. It's hard to remember it when you're feeling completely idiotic for ever thinking you'd have a chance at that job or with that person but I guess it's probably the most important thing to remember because without it it can be really difficult to stay hopeful.



This passed nicely onto the topic of Sunday sermon at church which was about what it meant to love God. To be honst I got caught up in the first bit of the sermon and while I took the rest in I was left dwelling on the examples the speaker gave. He talked about 9/11 and the people who rang family and friends from the Towers, the Pennsylvania flight and the Pentagon. None of them rang with messages of hurt, of hate, of rejection - they talked of love. When it comes to it love is the answer in today's world. God's love, love for others, love for yourself (in the knowledge that God formed you in his image) . . .



Frankly I can't imagine being in that situation and I hope I never am but I know that should I ever be, I won't be thinking about the times in life when I felt rejected because I'll be thinking about those I love and those that love me . . . as well as the one true God who is always ready to welcome me with open arms. What is rejection when faced with unconditional love?



"In case I never see you again, I want you to know I love y'all very very much, that the plane has been taken over by hijackers . . . and then I said well we love you very much too Mark, let me go get your mother" - 9/11 families speaking about their calls from loved ones in the song I Believe from "Let's Roll" (James Curlin)

I don't feel like I can explain the importance of today in my own words tonight and so I'm posting a song/video instead.



Today is a Happy Day!









alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/qjJrbB8vxR4&hl=en

While everyone celebrates Easter in different ways, here's how I'm doing it this year. I'm doing nothing - or very little anyway. I'm going to church and spending time to think about the importance of this weekend for Christians but when it comes down to actual exciting things - I have done nothing. It's great!



You see . . .



Life is London is action-packed, fast-paced and generally insane every minute. I am rarely home, I dash from one thing to the next and I spend my working days bored out of my mind because I've discovered I'm way more ambitious than I ever thought I was. While keeping occupied and busy is always good, sometimes it's equally good to stop for a while and do less all-over-the-place stuff so I am reading and watching tv and movies and generally trying to relax. Catching up on sleep is also the plan.



I read voraciously and am currently working on (yes I really have started all of these books in the last week):



Fatal Voyage - Kathy Reichs (think a book of the tv show Bones)



The Bottom Billion - Paul Collier (Why the poorest countries are failing and what can be done about it - I enjoy reading Paul Collier's work having got into it quite a bit during Masters so this is quite interesting)



Pillow Talk - Freya North (my guilty pleasure is chick-lit)



Two Caravans - Marina Lewycka (by the woman who bought you A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian)



Freakonomics - Steven Levitt & Stephen Dubner (A rogue economist explores the hidden side of everything - think econ 101 but really easy to read)



Down Under - Bill Bryson (originally an American who moved to the UK for years and years and then back to America and who can write so well explores australia and then writes a book about it - carnage)



I have recently finished reading:



A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini (author of The Kite Runner - Thousand Splendid Suns is my current fav book, incredibly well-written and a story that draws you into lives that are so very sad)



The Welsh Girl - Peter Ho Davies (World War II and Wales has POW camps, tells three connected stories from different viewpoints in a good way but doesn't end that well at all)



The Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers - Xiaolu Guo (brilliant little book that tells the story of a new Chinese student in London and her relationship with an older English guy)



Now I look at this list - which is basically the books I've been reading in the last two to three weeks, I am a little worried that I may have too much time. It's just that I love books and I love reading in my lunchbreak, before sleeping, when I'm travelling and any moment when there's not something else happening. Anyway . . .



The point of all of that was that I was wondering whether readers, if I still have any, would be interested in getting short little reviews of the books I read. I'm happy to blog reviews on a reasonably regular basis if there's any interest - if you're keen then post me a comment and I'll start with A Thousand Splendid Suns. To be honest I may start reviewing anyway but it would be nicer if someone actually wanted me to.



So that's how I'm spending my Easter. I'm missing my family but I'm enjoying relxing and resting and taking time for myself to read and watch tv and watch the snow fall past my window.

Everyday the C of E website has a verse on it for the day. While so many will have heard this verse and thought about it already today, I'm encouraging all those who haven't taken time out on Good Friday to sit and think about the man who took the sin of the world on his shoulders and was crucified.


















John 3:16 - For God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life.









alt : http://www.youtube.com/v/i9uBJ__E7G0&hl=en

Music is Jaci Velasquez - Al Mundo Dios Amo (God So loved the World). An English translation of the lyrics can be found here.

The following are words unique to NZ from Wikipedia. To be honest, I hadn't really realised there were so many or that I'd stopped using them but now I read the list I miss using them in everyday life. Having done a hunt for all things Naki (another story) - this was the best I could find to remind myself of home and family at a time (Easter) when home and family are really important (yes I know this is also a particularly good time to be thinking about sacrifice and grace and Jesus but that's a discussion for Sunday).



New Zealand words (thanks Wikipedia)

Unique to New Zealand

• au, - pronounced "o", from the Māori word aua meaning "I don't know". Common in Northland and Gisborne.


• bach, — a small holiday home, usually near the beach, often with only one or two rooms and of simple construction. Pronounced "batch". Comes from bachelor. (See also 'crib', below).


• bay - a mutation of the common slang word "Bro". Mostly used in and around Gisborne. Commonly combined with the slang "eta" to form "eta bay" and pronounced as one word.


• boondocks, — rural, isolated part of the country (not unique, however)


• a box of birds, - I am fine, used as a response to the question "how are you?" A common follow-up is all shit and feathers. (See also 'a box of fluffies', below).


• a box of fluffies — a variant of "a box of birds".


• bunk/bunking - truancy


• chilly bin - An Esky or other portable polystyrene/plastic food and beverage cooler


• choice! — informal excellent! Great idea! Common in Auckland


• chur bro — Slang, humorous 'pronounced as a deep 'chair' usually a strong voicing of thanks but also a parting salutation. Shortened from "cheers brother" although can be said to either male or female. Common in Auckland. More recently this can and has often been shortened to "chur bo", as "bro" loses its 'r'.


• crib — another word for bach, more commonly used in the south of the South Island.


• cuz — as in male or female cousin.


• Dag(g) — similar to a "hard-case" i.e. a comedian or funny person. Commonly used in the phrase: "What a dag!". NZ comedian John Clarke's stage name Fred Dagg was influenced by this.


• dairy — equivalent to the British term corner shop or American term convenience store.


• dak — marijuana


• The Ditch — slang the Tasman Sea, the "ditch" separating New Zealand and Australia, almost always used in the phrase: "across the ditch", meaning, Australia. Occasionally also refers to Cook Strait, which separates the two main islands of the country.


• domain — as well as its common overseas uses, a public park or reserve, often with sports or camping facilities.


• egg - mild insult meaning 'fool' or 'dork'. Enjoyed widespread use in the 1980s, still used today. Used to be used occasionally with the partner (and now all but obsolete) "spoon".


• eh! (occasionally spelled "aye") — Slang used for emphasis at the end of a sentence, eh!. Can be used as meaning "isn't it". (A similar but not identical usage is found in Canadian English). See Eh. Possibly adapted by derivation from the Maori oral punctuitive syllable "e" (pronounced as the 'e' in "egg") eg "e hine e", "e tu", "tino pai e". More recently spelt "ay" or "aye", which is a closer phonetic spelling in the NZ accent.


• eoh; eoa; aoh (no agreed spelling, conversational only) derived from the Maori "e hoa" (friend). Used as a friendly term meaning "mate" in the NZEng equivalent, or bro; also used as "hey" or "yo" in place of subject's name if at the beginning of a phrase. Non-gender specific, and pronounced like a very short, clipped "our" perhaps without the final 'r', or like out without the 't'. Was common in Auckland but was popularised by the television show 'bro'Town', where it is both pronounced and written as 'ow'. "Eoh, you coming or not?"; "Where you been eoh?".


• Et/Eta/Eta Harry, - pronounced "Etta". Common in Gisborne, exclamation similar to "whatever". Often used to express the sentiment "that is not true". Derived from the Maori word "Eta".


• freezing works — a meat-packing plant, an abattoir.


• fulla — slang guy, from 'fellow'.


• green fingered bro — slang for someone who regularly smokes cannabis; usually referring to a person from Kaitaia.


• Godzone - informal New Zealand: corruption from 'God's Own Country'.


• halfpai - slang meaning half-arsed eg "doing a halfpai job at doing the dishes"; actual meaning: half-good from the Maori word pai = good.


• hamu (pron. ha-moo) - verb or noun meaning scab (as above) or scrounge. Bay of Plenty origins, uncommon elsewhere.


• hard case — slang a person who has a very good sense of humour, a comedian.


• hau - expression: 'wow'; often pronounced with a long drawn-out tail "hauuuuuu"; Maori origins, sometimes transmuted into hau-ly (holy), to punctuate the expression.


• hoon- Young delinquent


• JAFA - a derogatory acronym used to describe Aucklanders. This stands for Just Another Fucking Aucklander. Aucklanders refer to it as Just Another Fantastic Aucklander. This acronym has particular sentimental significance to NZers, being the name of an iconic cinema sweet (called Jaffas), which consist of a spherical marble sized shell of orange/red candy filled with chocolate. This explains the superfluous 'F' in some versions of the acronym.


• Jandals — slang as in US and UK "flip-flops", Australia "thongs". Portmanteau of Japanese Sandal. See Jandals.


• Joker - bloke, guy, fulla... usually a general term for kiwi male, with positive connotations. Sometimes a "good joker" or "funny joker", never used in derogation. Although about two generations old from the time of entry, it is still recognised and understood.


• kina - sea urchin


• Mainland — informal usually, but not always, refers (sometimes mildly humorously) to the South Island, which, despite its much smaller population, is the larger of the two main islands of New Zealand.


• Manus - A derogatory term meaning idiot or imbecile. Pronounced 'Mah - niss'. Derived from 'male' 'anus'. Common in West Auckland.


• Mucky - informal A term used for making a mess, or some something that can be messy.


• OE or Big OE — informal overseas experience, time spent travelling and working overseas, usually beginning in London.


• P - a recently adopted term for Crystallised Methamphetamine. "P" stands for "pure", which it was also called. During the mid-2000s, the New Zealand Media popularised this term for the illegal drug, and other terms are all but unused.


• paua - abalone


• pecking order - order of which siblings are born.


• pottle — in some areas, the unit by which strawberries and certain other fruit are sold. In other parts of New Zealand, the terms "chip" and "punnet", shared with UK English, are better known.


• Queen Street farmer — informal humorous a usually pejorative term for an investor in rural land with no knowledge of land use.


• Rej - pronounced "reedge". Abbr. of "reject", a schoolyard insult.


• Remuera tractor/Fendalton tractor — slang humorous a usually pejorative term for an SUV (known as a "four wheel drive" locally) (compare Queen Street farmer, above). See Toorak Tractor.


• Rogernomics - a political term applied to so-called 'economic reforms' of the 1980s, and continuing worldwide today. These involved turning public assets and property over to private interest; selling government land and companies for short-term , one-off profit. Named in honour of its spearheading MP, Sir Roger Douglas.


• rolls/rollies - rolling tobacco (see tayllies)


• scarfie — slang a university student, particularly one studying at the University of Otago.


• shraps - slang, coins/loose change - derived from shrapnel which may also be used.


• sewl - slang,farewell/good-bye corruption of "see you" pronounced similar to "seal"


• Shot - slang said instead of thanks or cheers, commonly as "Shot bro" or "Shot g"


• sookie bubba noun (sometimes spelt 'sooky baba' or variants) - NZ version of crybaby, wimp, tangiweto (maori). Extension of 'sook' as used elsewhere.


• stores - slang, groceries (mainly used in Gisborne)


• tailies - cigarettes; shortened from tailor-made cigarettes.


• tin - slang Corrugated roofing iron, an icon of New Zealand architecture and widely used in old and new houses.


• Too Much - Good, Great, very pleased


• Twink - A popular brand of correction fluid that has become a generic term. Similar to Jandals.


• Tu Meke - Maori word meaning 'Great'


• up the Puhoi — slang far from civilisation. The Puhoi is a river just north of Auckland. Over the years the phrase has evolved and is now often heard as "Up the Boohai". It is also sometimes attributed to other New Zealand rivers. Again, more characteristic of the older generation.


• Vivid -A popular brand of permanent marker that has become a generic term. Similar to twink.


• Waka — slang term for any kind of vehicle or means of transport, from the Maori term waka used for a canoe or watercraft.


• Warewhare - pronounced wa-re-fa-re, nickname for the Warehouse stores.


• Westie — a derogatory term which refers to an inhabitant of West Auckland, usually Caucasian. It is also used by people from West Auckland instead of "Bogan" for people who may not even reside there. Has some similar sentiment to the term "white-trash" which is common in the U.S. Westies may be identified by their affinity for black clothing,(including tight jeans), Heavy Metal music, 'muscle cars' and aggressive dog breeds. Their women, children and pets are often just as tough as the men.


• West Island - humorous name for Australia due to it being west of NZ.


• WOF/Warrant — (Warrant of Fitness), vehicle roadworthiness test, similar to British MoT and the Australian Roadworthy Certificate, except that it is required 6-monthly for older vehicles. Often pronounced as 'woof'.


• Wops/Wopwops - slang rural areas or towns/localities on the fringes of larger towns/cities. (Wop Wops or the Wop Wops are also used but less commonly).